6 tips (plus a bonus) for the unexpected caregiver

It’s just over a year into your marriage and you’re making your lunch in the break room when a phone call is patched through. Your husband is being MedFlighted into Boston because he made contact with a 13,800-volt wire while working on a nearby utility pole.

You’re awakened by a call from a cardiac surgeon, telling you that your husband’s heart is in a “deadly rhythm,” so you should round up the kids and head to the hospital immediately.

It’s Thanksgiving and you can hear the panic in your father’s voice on the other end of the line. Your mother has plummeted deep into dementia, and he doesn’t know what to do.

Photo by Alvin Leopold on Unsplash

Many of us have been on the receiving end of calls like these. In fact, all of the above happened to me—and in between I dealt with my own breast cancer diagnosis. So whether we tend to other people as part of our careers or not, if we have any sort of relationships at all (human or otherwise), we’ll all find ourselves in the role of caregiver at some point in our lives.

The day-to-day challenges of caring for someone else were growing smaller in my rearview mirror recently—my mom passed away with dementia earlier this year. But my husband’s long-overdue knee-replacement surgery brought all the caregiver memories screeching back into the present.

Every caregiving situation is unique, but I was reminded of a few commonalities within the first few days of my husband’s recovery during this National Family Caregivers Month …

• Dealing with a medical condition is not just physically uncomfortable, but (among other things) it can also be frustrating, frightening, embarassing, and even—at times—boring. So the person you’re caring for may withraw, or you might find yourself on the receiving end of a short temper … and anything and everything in between. Try not to take dark moods personally. As situations change for the person you’re caring for, their temperament will as well.

• Your own mealtimes may be unpredictable. If you have some notice that you’ll be in the position of caregiver, stock your kitchen with nourishing foods. Not just for the person you’re tending to, but for you as well. It’s not the end of the world if you find yourself downing an entire bag of popcorn while binging the LuLaRich once your person is out of surgery (yup, I did that). Eating crunchy snacks can help release physical and emotional tension. But you’ll have much more energy for those inevitable bumps in your road—and you’ll just feel better overall—if you can sneak a real meal in there, too (with extra points for veggies).

• Be aware that your own schedule may get completely upended. Make your to-do list … then cross off half. Twice.* I’ve found that a caregiver lives not just their own life, but their person’s life as well—physically, mentally and even emotionally. You know how hard it is for one person to do the job of two? You may just want to make the bed, already, but there are meals to prepare, paperwork to complete, visitors to welcome and appointments to get to. Accepting that you may only get one or two of your own tasks completed will make each day far less trying. And if you do get to something else? Well, yay, you!

• Your brain will be overfull, so do your best to stay present. My mostly pulled-together attitude seems to fall apart when it comes to the pharmacy. In 2002, I found myself in a puddle on the curb when I learned that I was handed the wrong prescription after my husband’s burn injury and I thought I would have to drive back into Boston during rush hour to fetch the right one (the pharmacist quickly offered another solution). This year, I mindlessly paced the aisles of the local drug store for an hour, waiting for his script to be filled … completely forgetting that I also needed to grab some low-dose aspirin for him, too. If I had bee paying closer attention, I would have saved myself a second trip back into town.

• When you’re caring for someone else, “NBD” can turn into “WTF?!” in a hot minute. Cut yourself a lot of slack, and be prepared for things to go sideways when you least expect them to. Bonus tip: ask for help when you need it—even for little things. As I prepared for a quick shower on Gus’s first day home after his heart surgery, water suddenly started spraying everywhere, and I couldn’t shut it off. A co-worker’s well-timed check-in provided not just the practical fix, but the supportive ear I needed in that moment, too.

• Here’s an understatement for you: caregiving can be a huge emotional drain. Don’t fall into the pattern of “who else needs me?” Once you’re in caregiving mode It’s easy to move from one selfless task to another to avoid what you might truly need … a few moments to yourself. And let yourself have those moments whenever they present themselves. I had leftover homemade curry in my fridge, but I found myself stalking the aisles of the local coop minutes before they closed, as if I were walking a labrynth. It was nice to hide out there for a little while before facing the responsibilities I had at home while my husband was still in the hospital.

Whether or not you think you fall into the category of “caregiver,” you will look after another at some point during your lifetime—often when you least expect it. And you’ll soon realize that it is one of the most intimate, humbling and gratifying experiences you may ever have.

*This blog post took me 7 hours to write, between (among many other things) an emergency phone call, running new Internet cable, help with physical therapy, pillow plumping, letting the dog in and out several times, and checking the electric fence around our pet heifers’ pasture after the round hay bale they playfully pushed down the hill rolled through it. But hey—at least I got a walk in!